A Werewolf, a Mermaid, and a Rokurokubi Walk into a Bar
by SqueamishAnchovies
Summary: Three youkai plot Reimu's downfall...over drinks. Prequel to Double Dealing Character. Mild Yuri. One-shot.


When the sun went down, the sake wagon tottered to the edge of the Human Village, where it had set up shop every night for as long as anyone could remember.

In Gensokyo, where monsters who look like little girls prowl every dark corner and the whole human population clumps into a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, alcohol is a necessary survival mechanism.

But this shop isn't for humans.

A girl trudged out of the Human Village, red cloak billowing. The bartender greeted her warmly. The girl sat in a stool, popped off her head and plopped it on the counter. "Gimme the usual," the head said.

"Scarlet Meister, with extra scarlet spice." The bartender warmed the sake and presented it to her most frequent customer. "Where are your friends?"

"Late," the girl grunted. She poked her tongue into the hot sake. Deeming it adequate, she poured it down her open throat.

The bartender fidgeted. "Wouldn't it be more enjoyable if you savored it? It's a waste of taste to drink that way, begging your pardon." The bartender knew her well enough to speak whatever came to mind, but that didn't remove professional courtesy.

The headless body shuddered when the drink hit its stomach. "You think I drink for pleasure?" The head rolled around, scowling. "Where are those morons?"  
Flies smacked into the red paper lanterns above the bar.

Finally, a human shape melted out of the forest. A large tub balanced on its shoulders.

Its grin gleamed in the moonlight. "Yo, Seki!"

"Good evening," said the head, dumping more sake down its throat. "Have you shaved today, Kage?"

Kage looked indignant. "I _did_ too, thank you! Not my fault werewolves transform halfway after the half moon." she set down the tub, which sloshed and splashed in the grass. "What'll you have, Waka?"

A mermaid leaned out of the tub. She flapped her tail. "Kappa's Great Illusionary Waterfall, with a pinch of salt and a sprig of kelp, if you please."

The bartender nodded and went to work. "Anything for the young princess."

Seki swirled her glass and stared into it. "So. Princess. What kept you?"

"Trouble with the locals," said Kage.

Waka sniffed. "A stupid snooping fairy. She loiters around all day at my lake, freezing and unfreezing the frogs. It's barbaric!"

"It is, it is," Kage agreed, pretending to listen.

"I had to borrow Kage to chase her away."

"You did, you did."

"These days, our kind don't get respect," Seki muttered. She rolled her head back and forth on the counter. "Look at me. I've been scouting out the Human Village for...for...a long time. And it's like the higher-up youkai forget I exist."

"How sad," Kage murmured.

Waka nursed her bright blue drink. "Someone should do something."  
"Right, right."

Seki squinted. "Are you even listening to me?"  
"I can't say why you jokers are here," Kage replied, "But _I'm_ waiting for my sake."

"Right here!" sang the bartender, handing her a smoking cup. "Made it before you had to ask. Hope it's to your liking."

Kage downed the drink with a shrill sigh. "Ah, _that_'s the stuff! I tell you, boss, you know how to make a real mean Fujiyama Volcano!"

The bartender laughed. "Thank you, thank you."

Waka gazed into her cup, face glum. "Someone should really do something."  
"Too true," said Kage. She scooped up a mouthful of Waka's tub water to rinse out the inside of her mouth. She swished it around and spat. "What were we talking about again?"

"The humans," Seki said, getting irritated. "They stomp around Gensokyo like they own the place."

Waka's tail splashed. "I know. It's like they aren't even afraid of youkai anymore."  
"It's been like this ever since that shrine maiden showed up." Seki clenched her fists and slammed them on the counter—Kage caught her cup before it tipped over.

Waka leaned her elbows on the table and looked sideways at Seki's head. "What are you implying?"

"Exactly what you said," Seki said. "Someone should do something."

"Yes...?"

"Only that _someone_ should be 'us,' and that _something_ should be 'taking care of our mutual friend.'"

Kage guzzled a second, then a third Fujiyama Volcano. Steam seeped out her ears. "That was_ good_! Another!"

"You could at least _try_ to be part of the discussion," said Seki tetchily.

"Not my problem," Kage replied. "They leave me alone every day but the full moon. If you can't keep the humans at bay, that's _your_ problem."

"It concerns everyone," Seki snapped. "We're talking about—" She picked up her head and turned it around to see if anyone was listening in—"_removing_ the shrine maiden as a threat. You get me?"

Kage nodded vigorously. "Oh. Like murder."

Seki slapped her forehead.

"Not so loud!" Waka whispered. She motioned with her eyes toward the bartender.

But the bartender kept on swabbing out cups, humming off-key, as if they hadn't said anything the least bit suspicious.

"Besides," Seki continued in hushed tones, "mur—ah, the m-word—doesn't need to be a part of the plan. We just need her, er, out of the way."

Waka slunk down in her tub. "It's no use—she's too strong. Why do you think they call her the youkai exterminator?"

"Then we must strike indirectly," said Seki. She rubbed her temples. "Think. What can we do to a shrine maiden?"

Kage looked around and laughed. "What can _we_ do? Look at us. We're cannon fodder. A werewolf. A mermaid. A—a, uh..."

"Rokurokubi," Seki said through gritted teeth.

"Bless you," Waka said.

"Yeah, one of those—the point is," Kage continued, "we don't stand a chance. It's not just her, either. The shrine maiden has strong friends."

"We can't fight them all," Waka agreed.

Seki stewed and stirred her sake with her finger. "Then we incapacitate them."

Kage blinked. "We what?"

"Make it so they can't fight," said Seki, exasperated. "Does anything get through that thick hairy head of yours?"

"Hey, now! Don't be calling me hairy! Do I gotta remind you what these nails and fangs are for?"

"There's a witch," Waka murmured. The other two turned to her. "The shrine maiden's friend. I know her. She likes to take her girls on long, romantic walks by Misty Lake."

Kage shrugged. "So?"

"So, they usually end with someone getting thrown in."

"Ah. Very enthusiastic walks."

"Crazy or not, she's nothing to trifle with," said Seki. "That witch is the shrine maiden's right hand. We'll need to take her out too."

"All right," Kage said, "that's _two_ ridiculously powerful youkai exterminators. Any more brilliant ideas?"

Waka sighed. "It's hopeless. We'll never—"

"Don't say that," Seki snapped. "We give up hope when _I say_ we give up hope."

Trying to be helpful, the bartender offered Waka a plate of sashimi. The mermaid refused with a queasy look, but Kage happily scarfed it down. "Traitor," Waka muttered.

"The witch and the shrine maiden," said Kage through a mouthful of fish and rice. "Who else do we gotta kill?"

Seki glared at her, motioning again to their audience. The bartender glanced over. "Sorry? Little hard of hearing. You ask for something?"

"Carry on," Seki said. She turned to the other youkai. "Of course _we_ can't do it," she whispered. "But I know youkai that can. Trust me, an undercover assignment has its perks."

"You can do it?" cried Waka, splashing in excitement. "How? How?"

"We charm their weapons."

Kage's expectant smile fled. "What?"

"Think about it," said Seki, drumming her fingers on top of her head. "If we make their weapons disobedient, they won't know what to do. And while they're weakened, we can come up with a better plan of attack. Or at least send stronger youkai to do it for us."

"That's the stupidest idea I've heard in my life," said Kage flatly. "Charmed weapons? What kind of idiot thinks up this kind of crazy?"

"It seems less of an 'incapacitating attack' and more 'petty mischief,'" said Waka, in her uselessly unoffensive approach to constructive criticism.

Seki snorted. "You got a better plan?"

They were quiet.

"Worth a shot," Kage said at last.

"Just the two won't do," said Seki. "If we're to make an example to the humans, we'll need more victims."

Waka counted off on her webbed fingers. "The shrine maiden, the witch—anyone else?"

"There's one," Seki said, "and it's not who you'd expect." She rolled her head closer to the others. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "There's a rumor flying around that someone beat Yukari."

"_Yukari got beat_?!" Kage cried, and clapped a hand over her mouth.

"No way!" Waka whispered, wide-eyed.

Seki nodded grimly. "Yeah, and it's a really confusing story. I've heard it more than three different ways. Well, Yukari already erased the evidence, so of course the details are kinda murky. But you know how it is. Things slip through the cracks. Dreams, memories, weird-looking rocks. Word got out that _someone_ defeated Yukari...and they say it was the head maid of Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"Her?" Waka repeated. "I heard she was good, but _zowie_!"

"Yukari, defeated?" Kagi groaned. "There's no hope for any of us!"

"I _said _it's only a rumor," Seki retorted. "Don't give it too much credit. And Waka, if you ever say 'zowie' again, I'm selling you to the fish market."

That shut them up.

"The head maid," Kage murmured, mulling it over. "We should put her on the list, just to be safe." She inhaled another plate of sashimi.

Waka counted off again. "There's the maid, the witch, and of course, the—"

"SHRINE MAIDEN!" Kage squealed, scrambling.

"Yes, yes, I was getting to—"

"Hide, you fool!"

Reimu Hakurei strolled through the flaps of the traveling bar, Suika padding after her. "Bartender! Bring me a Double Black Death Butterfly, on the double!"

"And a keg of Mt. Ooe's Best," Suika piped up, salivating.

Reimu collapsed into a stool next to Seki. Seki shifted away slightly.

"Um...long day?" Kage volunteered.

"The worst," Reimu grumbled. "Been out all day, exterminating youkai. Bastards have been at my radishes again."

"You, uh...grow radishes?" Seki said.

Reimu shrugged. "Not really. Weeds, mostly. On lucky days they turn out to be radishes. Or onions. Anything but carrots. I hate, hate, _hate_ carrots."

"Fascinating..." Seki shared a meaningful glance with Kage, but Kage didn't grasp the meaning.

Reimu squinted at Seki. "You all right there? Your, uh, head is on sideways."  
"Is it? Oh dear, how embarrassing." Seki straightened her head, which she'd replaced in a hurry, and strained a smile.

Reimu didn't look convinced. She waved lazily to Kage. "This your boyfriend?"

The werewolf clenched her fangs, and was about to spout a retort when Seki said sweetly, "Yes! Yes, _he _most certainly is! We're in love. Deeply, madly, hopelessly in love. Aren't we, darling?" She reached over to plant a kiss on Waka's hairy cheek. Both nearly vomited.

Reimu raised an eyebrow, but she nodded in apparent acceptance. "Good for you. Let him know he'd look better if he lost that ugly mop. Guys with long hair...just, ugh. It's like dating a girl. Which would be weird."

"Weird," they repeated in unison, chuckling weakly.

Reimu was about to say something else, but she stopped when Suika started fondling her chest. "Hey—hands off, you little freeloader! We're in public, need I remind you? You can wait to—ahem, _pay the rent—_when we get back to the shrine, okay?" Reimu scratched Suika behind the ears, and the oni snuggled into a comfy ball on the ground.

Seki and Kage only stared.

Water splashed.

Waka's head poked out of the tub. "Hey, what's—MMF!" The mermaid disappeared when Kage sat on her.

Reimu raised her other eyebrow.

Kage grinned meekly. "Uh, excuse me?"

"Why's your butt in a tub?" Reimu asked, her eyes questioning if she actually wanted to know the answer.

Seki said hastily, "It's a, uh skin condition. Like that French philosopher guy. You know the one."

"Nope."

"Oh."

The shrine maiden's drink arrived with something like fireworks. Dark and thick like tar, it sizzled and fizzed, spitting out drops that ate through solid wood.

Seki and Kage stared in numb horror.

Pinching her nose, Reimu swilled the abomination in a few quick gulps. She burped. "A bit weak," she declared.

"Less soy sauce, more lighter fluid," the bartender said, bowing. "Thank you, thank you for your patronage."

A huge barrel rolled over the counter, and Suika's face lit up. She pounced on the barrel and bit out the cork. Turning the barrel on its side, she guzzled the gushing torrent.

"Poor creature," Reimu murmured. "So young, and already sucking on alcohol's teat." She banged her empty glass, still dotted with black sludge. "Bartender! Another of these!"

"Right away!"

Reimu turned to the other patrons. "So anyway, as I was—"

But they were gone. Tub and all.

"How rude—they never paid," the bartender sniffed. "I suppose that means the bill falls on..."

Reimu's mouth dropped open. "Why those sneaky, cheeky...!" Spouting a litany of curses, she dug in her sleeve pockets for loose change. The bartender smiled as if to say, "Thank you for the business."

Not far away, two youkai and a mermaid in a tub tumbled through the woods. The werewolf waddled, on account of her sopping wet backside.

"That was too close!" Kage howled. "We were almost dead meat!"

"Almost," Seki repeated. She spat and wiped her lips. "Has anyone ever said you taste like booze and old shaving cream?"

"Well, _SOR-RY_. And sorry you know what old shaving cream tastes like."

Waka peered out of the tub. "Can you drop me off at home? Fishing season starts soon. The lake needs me."

They let her out at the bridge, a rare completely legal instance of two shady characters dumping a body in the river.

Seki and Kage faced each other alone.

"We've had some minor setbacks, but this changes nothing," Seki said tightly. "We stick to the plan." She turned back toward the village and waved. "So long."

"Next time, _I _pick where we meet up," Kagi retorted. She headed for the forest.

They left.

At midnight, the sake shop at the edge of the Human Village started to close up.

"So I said to Sanae, 'You don't really mean that!' She says to me, 'I want some space,' but we all know what that _really _means. Then I—" Reimu paused. "You're leaving?"

"Afraid so." The bartender laughed. "Your oni drank the last of my wares. Sorry, we're closed."

Suika lay splayed on the grass amid a pile of empty kegs, belly swollen and a dazed smile on her face.

Reimu shrugged. "Fine. It was nice talking to you. I only wish I knew what you were doing here...Hatate."

The bartender flapped her wings. She smirked. "Oh, you know me. I moonlight with side jobs when news gets slow. Deadline's tomorrow, actually. I'm sure I can think of something." She brightened. "Would you read it?"

"Hatate, you know I never read Aya's filthy youkai rag."

"Your loss. Take care, shrine maiden."

Reimu trudged home, dragging Suika with her.

Hatate remained to pack up the last of the shop.

Wakasagihime. Sekibanki. Kagerou Imaizumi. She wondered if they would succeed. Not that it mattered to Hatate.

Because everyone knows what the bartender hears is secret...isn't it?

The wagon rolled away and left the village to sleep in peace.


End file.
